Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side
Liz
Loves
NASCAR!
Elizabeth Taylor, shown at right with Schlitz beer in hand, attending the Martinsville, Va. NASCAR race. "It's really quite exciting considering the only thing they do is turn left all day."
It really is Liz

Consumer recall:
D-Con pulled from shelves after tests show it kills laboratory mice.

Iraqi crisis:
Hussein predicts lower hemlines, square shoulders on Paris runways by fall.

Collision or comprehensive?
Mary Hart insures legs for $1 million
Cops declare: "Whoever did it is the suspect."

Condom machines in U.Va. dorms? Yes says the Dean of Emissions.

Higher taxes to curb teen smoking much like $150 Air Jordans curbed teens from buying tennis shoes.

Politically correct: Mandatory busing of brunettes into all-blonde high school sends women searching for their roots.

The Nine Commandments: By O.J. Simpson

Politics: Vice-President Gore says the first thing he'd do as president is change his first name to Al.

Sports: Dick Schaap apologizes for calling Riva Ridge and Secretariat "The most famous stablemates since Joseph and Mary."
Former White House Press Secretary DeeDee Myers explodes at reporters:


"The President was only talking about organ donations!"

Commentary:
William F. Buckley:
"Sometimes even the plans of the best-laid men go awry."

 


For the family:

Today in history:
Never step near any Virginia road sign marking "Lee's movement."

Thought for the day:
"Life is a swirling, sucking eddy of despair."

Today's Bible verse: Judges 19:29
"And when he entered the house, he took a knife and laying hold of his concubine, he divided her, limb by limb."

Today's Will Rogers quote:
Aug. 15, 1935.
"Oh My God Wiley, we're gonna hit that mountain!"

 




Entertainment news:

Bowie to headline Microsoft Aid: "It's about time somebody stood up for the little guy."

Mom-to-be Jodie Foster: "Once cloning is legal, men will go extinct."

Marv Albert hired to do play-by-play of Clinton impeachment hearings.


Necessary disclaimers