A pocket guide to life

To all the high school friends I'll be seeing at the reunion, here's what I've learned so far.

1. It's not who you love.
It's who loves you back.

2. There's no substitute for hard work.
But it brings no guarantees.

3. Cliches become cliches because in large part they are true.
Generally, the opposite is true when it comes to stereotypes. People will always surprise you.

4. Oh, it can't get any worse than this.
Actually, it can always get worse. And it often does.

5. There are two types of problems in the world.
Those you can solve by writing a check and those you can't.

6. It's not what's said, it's what's heard.
"Why" questions make people defensive. "What made you" questions get people focused on their answer.

7. It really is all about the money.
The people who say otherwise generally have lots of it, and it's patently obvious when you don't have enough of it.

8. If you want to see your girlfriend in her underwear, don't buy her lingerie. Buy her jewelry.
Shows the value of thinking a step ahead of the obvious.

9. Kids bring joy. Otherwise we'd have stopped having them.
Flipside is there's nothing worse than seeing an unconsolable child. Absolutely nothing.

10. Learn how to be a militaristic peacenik.
War never solved anything except fascism and slavery. The lives of our soldiers are so precious they should be put at risk only in the most important of circumstances.

11. Our lives are impacted by things well beyond our control.
From statistics, for instance, you learn the most valid predictor of your success in life is how much money your dad made.

12. When you're half-joking, you're also being half-serious.
Be aware of your own psyschology.

13. Funniest joke that's not funny.
"I won't get married again; I'll just find a woman I hate and give her my house."

14. Little newspapers are much more fun than big newspapers.
Before I die, I expect some kid to ask me "What's a newspaper?"

15. Do your best every day.
But always remember your best will vary from day to day.

16. At age 10, I noticed people listen to the music of their youth all their life.
It's why my iTunes is packed with dozens of bands of which no one has ever heard.

17. Politically, we've all been fooled.
Lots of people vote for conservative principles out of a belief in what's right, and fail to appreciate how the people they vote for actually wind up working against their own interests.

18. Plenty of politicians go to Washington D.C. calling it a cess pool.
When they get there, they realize it's a hot tub.

19. Somewhere between nine and 14 percent of all people are stupid or evil.
That's not from me, that's from a famous computer guy, but I've always wondered how he came up with that number.

20. Nothing is more overrated than the free-market.
Politicians preach leaving the market alone while promoting protection in everything from shoes to sugar, steel to medicine, milk to peanuts.

21. When there's only one electrical line coming to your house, don't talk to me about competition.
Pay attention to the obvious when people are talking in grand theories.

22. The definition of a professional is doing a good job even when you don't feel like it.
The definition of ethics is doing the right thing even if no one is looking.

23. Be optimistic even when you don't feel like it.
A cynic is an idealist who has been disappointed.

24. When you have a rival in the workplace, don't sit across the table from them. Sit right next to them.
It's a long story, so just trust me. It works.

25. If you have a $5 tree, dig a $10 hole.
Landscaping advice that carries over to most everything you do.

26. Housing developments are named for what was destroyed to put them there.
Rolling Meadows. Tall Timbers. You get the idea.

27. At first you do things above and beyond because it makes you feel good.
As time goes on, the above and beyond will become the expected. This is especially true at work.

28. Smarter people than us figured this out a long time ago.
In advertising, marketing and design, don't think you always have to try something that's never been tried before. It probably has been, and it probably didn't work. There's a reason standards become standards. They work.

29. If asked how many organisms can be found on Earth, my answer isn't trillions. It's one.
From the planet's perspective, man isn't a steward. Man is a virus that's spreading.

30. You don't have to be a full-blown Buddhist to find peace in the principles of Zen.
Nothing lasts forever. Desire brings problems. Letting things go is a really useful coping skill.

31. Yes, ghosts are real.
I don't talk much about my real-life experience with the magnificent spirts of nature because I don't want to sound like a kook.

32. Who ya gonna believe, me or your own lying eyes?
In matters of eye-witness testimony, false positives are more likely than false negatives. Always remember you can't misquote silence.

33. It would be a boring world if everybody felt the same way.
Besides, the conventional wisdom is quite often wrong, and most forecasts always predict more of the same, more or less.

34. If you think you're the smartest person in the room, you're automatically not.
You can learn something from other people ever single day, and if you think you're above making mistakes, then you just made one.

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Some credit for items contained in this list must go to The First Dumpling, Lewis Grizzard, The Four Agreements, Steven Colbert, Freakonomics, Newt Gingrich, George Carlin, Steve Krug, H.L. Mencken, Don Harrison, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Michael Bressler, Jane Milliken and Groucho Marx.

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