4-12-2004
The Soo-eee Triangle

I had a dream. It went like this.

The Canadians, after years of a secret military buildup, come pouring down from the north. With planes and tanks and helicopter gunships, they move on Washington to depose Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy and the rest of the liberal elitist conspiracy that's been promoting gay marriage, prescription drug benefits and socialism in general. The future lies in this enlightened, time-tested form of conservative democracy, and the Canadian public is told the onward Christian soldiers will be greeted as liberators.

So how does conservative America act? Some wave as the troops go by, but many are suspicious of Canuck ulterior motives. Most have a wait-and-see attitude, but one by one, opinions change as bombs drop, as relatives are killed, either directly or as collateral damage.

After a few months, things turn ugly. Where it used to be just liberals fighting, more and more conservative Americans start shooting at the Canadians, too. They're not crazy about Hillary, but they are even less crazy about an occupying army. The liberators, by becoming pacifiers, become targets. A few voices from Vancouver say it's the exact same thing that happened to the U.S. Marines in Beirut, but few Canadian papers care.

Back in occupied America, resistance is particularly stiff in Arkansas, the Soo-eee triangle, where Razorbacks loyal to the former regime demand the Canadians go home. When the The Democrat-Gazette is shuttered by the ruling authorities, widespread fighting breaks out in the streets. The Canucks crack down viciously, killing both insurgents and civilians, to quell the unrest.

And in Toronto they ask "Why don't the Americans like us? We are there to do them a favor." The answer goes something like this -- "if you want someone to like you, don't bomb, strafe and kill them" -- but few Canadians hear such news from the CBC. The news is dominated by support of the troops. Anything else is bad for ratings.

When I awoke from the dream, I felt so relieved. Thank goodness something so nonsensical could ever happen in the real world.