***

In the never-ending quest to keep the non-technical up to date with the technical, consider www.ananova.com . The U.K.'s version of the Associated Press presciently noticed that little Internet screens are going to be popping up everywhere, from cell phones to Dick Tracey's wrist watch, and that there's a very easy way to attack the question of the screens being too small to read. Have someone on that screen read to you.

Because this dashing (and entirely virtual) 28-year-old Brit, described in the Fleet Street tabs as the love child of Max Headroom and Posh Spice, does everything in real-time, she can be mass customized to sweet talk just you. From weird news to stock tips.

I'd tell you more about this phenomenal technological achievement, except for one small detail.

I've yet to see her work.

***

Part two of this techno update involves the latest Internet innovator faced with Microsoft-monopoly oblivion -- Real Networks, the folks behind Real Audio. And, as you will quickly learn, RealAudio, RealPlayer G2, RealPlayer 7, RealPlayer7 Plus, a RealAudio plug-in and God knows what else because whatever you download from their web site never seems to be the actual thing you needed.

Microsoft has its own multimedia player, and has been doing all kinds of freebie deals and such to eat away at Real's market share. The company which stole a more usable interface from the Mac, held on to its operating OS monopoly by sneering at a government consent decree, and which crushed Netscape in the battle of the browser, has been -- surprise -- rapidly eroding Real's market base.

Microsoft's business strategy can be summed up in three sentences. Your bar sells beer. My bar gives beer away for free. How long can you compete with free? This is a company that got hammered by a federal judge, and within a week started touting its ISP business -- offering six months free.

For years, Real was very simple -- you downloaded a plug-in for your browser, installed it, and it worked. Now the newest player needs to be configured in terms not exactly easy for newbies (Description: RealMedia File, Extension: .ra, .ram, .rm, MIME Type: audio/x-pn-realaudio). Try it home. I'm not the only one befuddled. I have eight file types for Real in one of my browsers, and they only seem to work when they want to.

What I downloaded from the Ananova site immediately linked me to Real's site, which told me it was out of date. So I tried the other route, but it didn't seem to matter to my Mac. I never did hear that Mid-Atlantic British accent, and I can only guess as to why. As a netizen, I live by a simple rule. If it doesn't work easily, early and often, I'm gone.

Sorry, Ms. Nova.

***

Inevitably, a news operation based on Microsoft's technology will copy Ananova and the Microsoft flaks will hail this as another innovation. Remember that in Redmond, WA, innovation always begins with someone else's brainstorm.

The personalized newscaster, ala Ananova, likely will not become commonplace until the long legal battle over busting up Microsoft is over. And at that point, flat screens will have progressed to the point where they are sharp enough and bright enough and big enough and clear enough to hold museum quality images right on your wall.

When the digital canvas hits the home decorating department, folks will learn that a single company holds the rights to an unbelievable majority of the great images of the world, a near, one might say, monopoly.

The name of that company is Corbis. The name of the founder is Bill Gates.

Let's see what Ananova has to say about that.

***

Ms. Nova was recently purchased by a French outfit for $145 million. I take it as evidence that the French continue to appreciate beauty, even if she apparently doesn't work for most people running a Macintosh. I find this ominous, considering her future lies in cellphones where there are still three conflicting standards, but then again, that goes to the heart of an important lesson men must learn about love.

A lot of beautiful women are awfully high maintenance.

***

G.L. Marshall was always a sucker for women with an accent.