1: Time to populate a new world. You:

a) Create Adam and Eve and a Garden of Eden

b) Create Adam and Eve, but throw in temptation

c) Let 'em crawl out of the ooze

2: Famous philosophers believe you do not exist. You:

a) Show them your drivers license

b) Flash 'em your tits

b) Make sure they all end up dead

3: Your spouse starts dropping YOU off at daycare. You:

a) Play quietly and color between the lines

b) Rip off your clothes and proclaim youself the one true messiah.

c) Repeatedly baptize naked Heather in the kiddie pool

4: You find an attractive member of the opposite sex passed out, naked and alone. You:

a) Clothe, counsel and offer guidance

b) Leave them alone, but steal their money

c) Wish it wasn't the opposite sex

5: Your mother insists she's a virgin. You:

a) Go on Montel

b) Post her naked picture on the Internet

c) Never have any friends over for sleepovers

6: Your best friend betrays you. You:

a) Have him whacked

b) Hold a dinner party

c) Try not to hold it against his family

7: If you take a vacation day, it's Armaggedon. You

a) Call in sick instead

b) Leave your phone off the hook

c) Claim your dog ate your holy work

8: Your family reunion includes a shirtless, rotund God-figure. You:

a) Pat his belly

b) Ask him if you can call him Bud for short

c) Ask him if he brought the take-out

9: The devil makes you a very attractive offer. You:

a) Hold out for a better deal than Gates

b) Ask for the cash up front

c) Pray for his barbequed red ass

10: It's Armaggedon. To what media outfit do you grant exclusive rights for coverage?

a) Cosmo: "Dressed for oblivion in a tasty Chanel..."

b) Fox Sports: "Live from the Jihad Olympics, it's back to you Moammar."

c) Regis Philbin: "Is that your final answer?"

Scoring: Two points for every A, one point for every B, zero points for C.

16 points or more.

Deity.

The world really does revolve around you. Considering there have been 4,000 religions in recorded history, your rise to immortality will depend on writing a best seller, performing a few magic tricks, fighting off attacks from professors, and not letting your most fervent believers make a fool of you.

Eight to 15 points.

Dad.

You don't need to be godlike to be a good parent. It doesn't take stone tablets from a mountaintop to know to never reward negative behavior. Parenting rivals godhood in one very important aspect; you have played Creator. Now live up to it.

Fewer than seven

Devil Comrade.

Don't give up your promising legal career. Go ahead and run for public office. Cheat on your spouse, fudge on your taxes, view Internet porn 24 hours a day. Spend your money on sex, gambling and drinking so you can just waste the rest. You won't know if there's a Hell until the Fat Lady sings.

SIGNS YOU FELL A LITTLE SHORT.

A fat lady is singing.

"You've won a brand new handbasket!"

Johnny Cochran won't take your case

"My name's Tyrone and you're my bitch"

"Mr. President, meet your new intern."

Single White God ISO Single White God

***

Where David Letterman had his Merrill Markoe, G.L. Marshall had his M.D. Ozmar helping on this one.