Simple theory behind a voter's boycott -- if the politicians aren't doing their jobs, if they're not talking about real issues, if they are slinging mud instead of dealing with problems, if they are flip-flopping instead of standing for something, then voters should just stay home.

   Just one problem. It's no longer a theory. It's a fact of modern life.

   ***

   There's a difference between organized outrage and general sweeping apathy. Anybody who pays attention knows apathetic voters are staying home. It's the duty-bound, civic-minded people who show up to vote every year, the folks who vote even when there's not a dime's worth of difference between the candidates, that's the segment I want to reach with a simple message. Just stay home.

   It's a dangerous idea whose time has come.

   ***

   Let's use a retail analogy. In its ads, McDonald's doesn't say eat here because Wendy's sucks; it says eat here because our fries are delicious. Ford doesn't run ads saying Dodge's are driven by Godless Sodomites. So that's rule one. If you run a negative ad, you've lost my vote. Period graph.

   Rule two would be to stand for something. There are plenty of people on both the Righteous Right and the Liberal Left that I disagree with, but I respect them because they actually believe in what they are saying. No more wafflers, no more policy-by-poll-results, no more voting "present." Virginia had a governor who got a lot of mileage out of saying he'd abolish parole, and he'll run for the U.S. Senate saying he did what he promised. Just a pesky detail that there's still some 30,000 parolees in the Commonwealth.

   Rule three is that there is no rule three -- keep the boycott idea simple enough to fit on a bumper sticker. Politicians must avoid negatives and speak truthfully or otherwise I'm staying home. I'm going to draw a distinction between my duty to democracy and my duty to a collection of money-grubbing, pandering salesmen. They'll have to earn a vote the same way I have to earn a dollar or McDonald's has to earn a customer. And right now, Mr. and Ms. Incumbent, you haven't even come close.

   No more talk about gun laws when every mass murderer violates a dozen laws already on the books. No more religion masquerading as policy; no more lies tactfully called spins. No more of the same old same old. No more. Just no more. Get my message. I'm staying home.

   ***

   There are two general cautions people throw up to my voter boycott proposal. The first states that if folks stay home, tiny whacko factions wind up having power far beyond their numbers. And my response to that is guess what -- that's the way it works today. Exhibits A and B are The Religious Right (the answer to Columbine High is The Ten Commandments in school) and The Grey Panthers (touch our Social Security and you die).

   Exhibit C would be the anti-Castro vote in Florida. We have a monstrously outdated policy toward that island that will never change, because conventional wisdom holds you can't win the presidency without carrying Florida, and you can't carry Florida without telling the Florida Cubanos what they want to hear. So we keep fighting the commies 41 years later. The Evil Empire has been replaced by an Evil Island, and the only consolation is the kilotons required for total slaughter is far, far less.

   The second caution actually rings true with me -- "There's no such thing as a wasted vote. Use your vote to waste the system." That's a Jesse Ventura quote and it's a good one. The problem is there are damn few Jesse Ventura's to vote for nowdays; Hell, in Virginia, it's rare to even have an opponent in Congressional elections, let alone a real choice. Do you really think you'll ever see an anti-smoking crusader campaigning in Richmond when the local congressman is often referred to as "The Congressman from Philip Morris?"

   Consider what follows a running testimony as to why we should just stay home.

   --When Lamar Alexander pulled out of the Republican presidential race, he said politics had become all about money and fame and predicted the 2004 race could pit Donald Trump against Cher. With no due respect, any career politician who doesn't understand that already deserves to embarrass himself in front of the voters, and damn his arrogance for immediately dismissing whatever new ideas a non-career politician might bring. Hard to say what a potential candidacy from Warren Beatty might bring, except the question of whether he's bagged more starlets than Clinton. And as for Lamar Alexander, sir, may you enjoy a distinguished private career and don't trouble yourself further with thinking what I should think.

   --The last-place Republican finisher in the shamelessly lame Iowa straw poll declared he had exceeded expectations. What possible expectation is there in coming in lower than last?

   --U.Va. political scientist Larry Sabato blasted the media the other day on the Today show for its fixation on George W. Bush's alleged use of cocaine. I agree, expecially since everybody I know who has a life tried cocaine in the '80s. Most gave it up without incident, and apparently, the Republic survived, so it's hardly a presidential disqualification if he's rolled a dollar bill into a cylinder and gone sniff.

    Confession and disclaimer time. The number one thing I miss from going to websmith from reporter is talking to Larry Sabato. Truthfully, his nickname among reporters was Dr. Dial-a-Quote, and while he always appreciated a good leading question that would let him get into what he really wanted to say, he always had statistics to back up his opinions and he always believed what he said. Nowdays, as just a citizen, I wish I could still call him and just say "Larry, is that lame or what?" I just flat miss talking to him. Call it the lost art of conversation.

   Anyway, like Sabato says, with George W., I don't care about cocaine or drinking -- I want to hear more about this compassionate conservatism. I want to hear more about it because I want to be the reporter asking him the brutal question -- what's so compassionate about it being wrong to raise the minimum wage, but okay to give capital gains tax cuts to the rich?

   Jay Leno described compassionate conservatism this way; you still believe in capital punishment, but you electrocute people in a La-Z-Boy. Forget George W.'s partying. He's got enough to explain already.

   Like the first thing you have to do to be president is go out and be a $30-some million dollar beggar.

   And you're going to vote for that?

   ***

   The first lesson 10-year-old G.L. Marshall learned about politics came from George Wallace. The second lesson an older, wiser G.L. Marshall learned about politics came from George Wallace.